It occurred to me today (meaning Friday since it is a little past midnight on Saturday right now) that I can’t know what to seek if I don’t know what it is I’m seeking in the first place.
When I was depressed, I sought happiness. That’s easy. Dualism 101…just take the thing you don’t like, figure out its opposite, and then do what you have to do to get it.
But I’m not depressed anymore, well, aside from the occasional bad mood or freak out. I am just wanting more. There is something more and I can’t get away from it. To tell you the truth, I can’t define what it is that makes me wants more. If I can’t define that then I have no point of reference of what to look for.
So my first question is: What is enlightenment?
Second question: What is it that I really want?
I seek enlightenment, yet I really don’t have any idea what that is. What I am really looking for, the thing that is most important to me more than anything else, is inner peace. For some reason I got the idea that enlightenment equates to a deep and abiding sense of inner peace. But does it really matter if I am ‘enlightened’? As long as I have the peace I want that’s all that matters right?
Now that we have what I most desire settled, I’m still wondering what I, as a spiritual seeker, am actually looking for. What is the opposite of this vague “wanting more”? What is enlightenment?
Is is what I originally thought, Abiding Inner Peace?
Detachment?
Oneness with All?
Knowing oneself as God?
Is there even a point to seeking? Because the only reason we seek for anything in the first place is because we think it will get us somewhere. It’s completely the Ego!
The ego says I need to feel better and this enlightenment stuff will make me feel better.
I can’t believe it…That’s all it is. Dammit, tricked by the ego again! No wonder people get fed up with this Advaita stuff. 
So tell me, what’s the question?
[Edit: for a follow up to this, see Suzanne Foxton's response here.]
Hey, I don’t know if help is the goal, but maybe it would help a bit if we spoke. If you’d like to email me through the blog, we can exchange numbers and set up a time to speak on the phone.
In the meantime, I’d like your permission to use your blog as a catalyst for my next blog entry…it is such a fabulously clear distillation of the questions so many people ask.
Love, Suzanne
Suzanne Foxton´s last blog ..This Is The Monstruosity In Love, Lady, That The Will Is Infinite And The Execution Confined.
Hi Christine, I’ve just finished writing the blog and am going to go ahead and publish, linking to your blog today as the source of the inspiration. If that’s not OK, please let me know and I’ll remove it immediately!
Love, Suzanne
Suzanne Foxton´s last blog ..This Is The Monstruosity In Love, Lady, That The Will Is Infinite And The Execution Confined.
Hello there, yes please do link to my blog!
[...] Foxton expanded on my last post about what exactly spiritual seekers are looking for in her blog Nothing Exists, Despite Appearances. She provided some terrific clarification to my [...]
> Is there even a point to seeking? Because the only reason we seek for anything in the first place is because we think it will get us somewhere. It’s completely the Ego!
Once upon a time I was having a little debate with a friend about whether spiritual seeking comes more from the push of suffering or the pull of love. We decided to ask a swami for his opinion. He said it is like water flowing down the side of a mountain. It is not pushed or pulled but moves by its own nature.
Hmm, nice way to look at it Andrew. That will give me something to think about for a while.
Haha, “so we decided to ask a swami.” I like that, i want a swami to ask questions to!
I know this answer might not really cover the ground suzannes did but i’ll give it a try… in particular, there was one thing in this blog that stuck out to me.. or seems to for whatever reason.
“When I was depressed, I sought happiness. That’s easy. Dualism 101…just take the thing you don’t like, figure out its opposite, and then do what you have to do to get it.”
This charged a thought on the Middle Way, which the Buddha talks about when he realizes his true nature through Emptiness… It comes down to Right View, there are other rights in the buddhist culture but right view is definitely of some importance over the rest because how can you have right anything else if you do not have right view? You may get them close to one another but it becomes a lot of unecessary struggling on the egos part which its been dealing with through its whole story, and has never worked… but to see things rightly, means to drop all the wrong views we have, which are all beliefs, concepts and, perceptions of what personality believes things to be. Like you said, its easy to just accept someone elses view and make it your own and then pack it away for that mechanical response later, but how about not accepting any view including your own, and acting out of intuition, insight, and creativity in the moment which counts the most, the only moment which we really have? It doesn’t mean to say, well act totally irrational at all times, but more like act out of the heart instead of out of the head.
There are some things that require intellect, calculations, small tasks from day to day, which is perfectly okay, they need to do what they gotta do… but is it not our expectations, beliefs, concepts, so on, are what get us into this suffering, non suffering state. If they were not there, what would you really lose? Something that was never you to begin with, you would definitely still be there, and you would still act on situations, probably better then if you had a pre conceived notion of something. We are making up the story even now and we have the ability to change that story (if you choose to) or you can just give up the control and allow it to run itself and just Be Who You Are.
That is what is trying to find its way home, What you are, its trying to see itself, Love is abiding in Love. You want to know who you really are… so the question may be
What Am I? on a deep scale, not on the shallow end, the question is just a question (a pointer), but truly feeling the question within your being, there is something much much more.
Don’t take my word for it though, please don’t, for to just take my word for it, would be to miss the mark, but to see it for yourself, test it for yourself in the way that best fits you.
Sincerely,
Nick
liberatedself´s last blog ..Story: Pray For a Contented Mind