Understanding Critical and Judgmental People or Why Mean People Suck

There are a billion articles on dealing with difficult people on the Internet, but one of the things you don’t see too often is the reason WHY these people behave the way they do.

What in the World are These People THINKING?

Having dealt with this problem myself, both currently and in the past, I’ve found that understanding the underlying causes of a difficult person’s behavior helps me deal with them better. Why does a “mean person” feel it’s ok to act malicious or disrespectful toward another? What exactly is going on inside his or her mind?

Understanding a difficult person will not necessarily solve the problem at hand, but it will often relieve the frustration of the situation. To use a somewhat exaggerated example, it is much easier to be patient with someone who is screaming about not getting what they want after finding out that this person is only two years old.

You may say These are grown adults, they should know better than a two year old!, but it is not as simple as that. At the very least, we have all been in a bad mood and snapped at someone, so we’ve all been that “mean person” at one point in our life or another. Also, we are all growing at different rates and doing the best we know how with what we have been taught in life.

Some people have been more fortunate than others as far as getting the emotional tools and support needed to cope with life. These people have learned how to approach conflict in a calm and rational manner.

On the other hand, the difficult person was most likely raised in a dysfunctional environment where, for example, disagreements were taken personally or conflict was completely avoided altogether. In this case, these people might actually be at the level of a two year old when dealing with certain situations. They simply do not know any better.

Mean People: A Gift from the Universe

It helps to see difficult people as a learning opportunity from the universe. Some situations might help you build patience, compassion, insight, or understanding toward others. Other situations might force you to build stronger boundaries and stand up for yourself.

Curiously enough, I’ve noticed that many of my own situations involving difficult friendships pertained to personality traits or behaviors, such as impatience or negativity, that I myself had been displaying. These situations have been the most helpful in getting me to quickly see my own negative behavior firsthand and change it accordingly.

No matter what the situation, the end goal should be to connect with others better. Learning to deal with difficult people ultimately wears down our own resistance to feeling connected to Source Energy…we FEEL BETTER because, through our learning, the difficult person no longer has the capacity to bring us down.

As my boyfriend likes to say, “I’m not going to let what this person said ruin my entire day. It’s not worth it!”

Some Observations

So, here are three things I’ve concluded and try to remember when dealing with difficult people:

Difficult people often don’t realize the effects their behavior has on others.
Sometimes difficult people see their behavior as normal, or are so caught up in their own feelings of frustration that they can’t see why others might be hurt by their actions. In the case of someone who is deliberately trying to hurt someone but just doesn’t care, this person has problems connecting with others and needs more love in his or her life. Some difficult people are simply oblivious to others’ feelings and need to learn how to be more compassionate. And then there are those who see themselves as unworthy and insignificant, and therefore feel that the impact of their actions on others will be just as insignificant.

Difficult people often feel slighted or perhaps even victimized in some way and, as a result of this, feel their behavior is completely justified.
Difficult people are often reacting to a feeling of powerlessness that has been incorrectly projected onto someone else. The unfortunate soul of this projection may then experience attack methods such as vindictiveness, the cold shoulder, or bullying as the difficult person tries to regain a sense of of control.

Difficult people have problems with low self-esteem, trusting others, feeling inferior, etc.
Some people might think Good, these people deserve to feel bad! But feeling bad makes people more likely to take things out on external things in their lives, including other people. This is especially true if the person does not, will not, or can not see that THEY are the ones with the problem. As stated above, difficult people often feel disempowered and use attack methods as a way to feel powerful again.

Changing Your Perspective

After considering these things, I always start to see difficult people in a different light. Instead of seeing someone as an annoying jerk, I start to see someone as shivering, scared and backed up into a corner, looking frantically around for a way out. Of course, WE are not the ones who backed them into a corner. They did it to themselves with negative perceptions. But they don’t realize this.

They don’t know any better.

And just like certain difficult people are brought to us by the universe, perhaps we are here to teach them as well. I think the best way to do this is with love. I’m not talking about getting all mushy with someone who treats you like crap. In a lot of cases that would be completely inappropriate and probably not something the difficult person would be open to anyway. I’m talking about the love, patience, and understanding you might have with a two-year-old. You might get angry and frustrated with them at times, but you should also know when to be patient and let certain things go. I’m not saying it’s easy to do (especially for me!) but if you can do it, it does make life a lot easier.