Life is a pain in the ass. This is why I’m always on this quest for spiritual growth and enlightenment.
I’m not in any particularly bad mood right now, just discontent. It seems I feel that way a lot lately.
I constantly don’t have something that I want. Right now…actually, for the past year, that means not having a decent paying job that I actually like. And not working somewhere that isn’t 35 miles away.
This morning was the first time I had to drive to work since being on vacation and, wouldn’t you know it, there was a bad traffic jam. I’ve been driving in this suck-ass traffic for two and a half years now and I am so sick of it! I really, REALLY can not stand it.
I know one lady who takes a 3 hour train ride to work and back again. What?!
I know a guy who drives the same commute as I do who thinks driving an hour to work isn’t bad. Crazy. Am I in la-la land?
So this morning, I wasn’t particularly angry about the traffic, just kind of thinking to myself Well, gee, here we go again with the suck-ass traffic, and to go where? To a low paying job with no benefits with no opportunity for growth doing something that I only moderately like to do.
Sometimes I really start to question what I should be doing with my life. Maybe the universe is telling me that I shouldn’t be working in the first place. Maybe I should spend all my free time devoting myself to God or enlightenment or something. Somebody help me find a cave to contemplate in.
It’s been a year since I graduated with my masters and I still haven’t found a job. So now what? I’ve already stopped identifying myself with having a career. Should I just not care about finding a job completely?
A relationship that feels stable?
Friends that I can count on?
Some direction my life should be taking?
If there is no stability, no direction, nothing to count on, then why bother doing anything?
No, seriously. I’m tired of the struggle and just want to not care about anything for a while.
I leave it all up to you universe. I give up.
What I know from reading your posts is that you have an incredible power to influence your life, your thoughts and how you feel. What I read here is a temporary, I think, loss of that power. Maybe it’s a backlash to the “grind” after coming back from what sounded like a fantastic holiday.
I also know that a fault in me is that I want to help – especially when there is nothing I can do to help. Anyway, it’s me who has been learning from you, so what can I say that will change anything?
…. But I’ll try anyway.
What you have written seems to contain a tension caused by the difference between what you have now and what you imagined you would have. I’d like to say: “Keep the energy of excitement about the search, but try to let go of the tension in it,” but maybe that doesn’t make any sense.
The longing for a job that fulfills (call it a career) is there, it’s just that the frustration of not having it is standing in the way of finding it. If the frustration was gone, maybe the job would appear.
The same could be said about friends, relationships and meaning to life. It is all there for you but something (I think it would be called the ego) is preventing it in order to keep a grip on you.
Anyway … words from someone who wishes he could follow them himself. What do I know?
Maybe you could make the car your cave …. then the next time you are stuck in traffic, you don’t have very far to go to find your cave for contemplation.
Well!
Welcome back. I guess the vacation went well ’cause you sure are pissed off to be back. Ha! I dig what you’re saying about not enjoying what you’re doing. I don’t particularly enjoy what I’m doing at the moment, but it’s a good job. I was laid off in January after 14 years with a company that decided to relocate to Mexico. Took me 6 months (to the day) to get another one, so I’m really glad I’m working again.
I also understand the pull you feel about spirituality. I’m there! Been there for years, too. I have no advice for you in that regard. It sucks! I wish I’d never heard of the things I write about. Ignorance truly is bliss.
Anyway, wow, you’ve got a Masters degree! That’s great! Are you stuck in the area you’re in? Maybe a change in scenery would help? I dunno… like I said, I have no advice. All I can do is empathize.
Suck-ass traffic sucks ass! Atlanta is the same way. Thank GOD I don’t have to drive in it.
Life arises as it will arise and this is a very hard concept to take. Would it help to say that you are deep inside the story of the person you take yourself to be and there is a reason for everything and even when there is no reason, there is a reason.
No? no, I thought that wouldn’t help.
OK,
Quit your job. Burn your bridges.
Whatever your life needs will come to you.
It cannot fail not to.
good luck,
xx x xx x x x x x x x x
lune´s last blog ..When this is, that is; when this isn’t, that isn’t
OK, this is weird. I signed back in to share something I read from Ramakrishna, and here Lune’s telling you to quit your job. Here’s the quote:
“Renounce everything and seek God alone. Whether a man is a monk or a householder, he has to shake off all attachment from his mind.”
I’m not suggesting quit your job (they’re very hard to come by nowadays), but I do agree with Lunar Eclipse here in that whatever your life needs will come to you. Absolutely agree with that from experience. Tell me, when has it never turned out OK? Right! Never! Be a damned gypsy. Take off, eh?
Mike
Mike´s last blog ..Pondering Oneness Again
@Mark — That’s hilarious about my car being a cave! I had a good LOL reading that this morning. I actually have spent a lot of time contemplating in my car on the way to work: visualizing, doing “ah” meditations, reciting affirmations, listening to Tolle, etc., so maybe a cave is what my car has turned into.
I also like to think that if the frustration wasn’t there then things would occur naturally. Obviously I haven’t gotten rid of that frustration completely, but I think I’m getting awfully close. Apathy can be a blessing sometimes.
@Mike — Yeah the vacation was awesome! The cruise deals are great too right now. Well, regarding what you said, I’m definitely thankful I was never laid off. That would be devastating. I’m glad you found another job…I think I gave up looking after about 6 months because there was nothing out there in the area I want to work in.
For me the spiritual pull is almost uncontrollable. I’ve had this pull my entire life, and I love it! Nice quote by the way. I take it figuratively, as in renounce everything emotionally and just make God (spiritual growth, whatever) the most important focus. I think quitting my job would just get me in trouble anyway.
@Lune — Even if I don’t understand, there is a part of me that kind of does understand in a way. I think.
Are those kisses you’re blowing at me? xxx
Hey Christine,
Pleasure seeing you, I think i’ve seen you post on mikes blog a couple of times but i thought i would come visit in hopes that some words from this side might be able to bring some light to you’re want for total surrender.
First of all, i totally dig your idea about being in meditation in the car, I do this on my way to class (when i go to class) which is usually only about a 20 minutes drive… but what I find is that there is always a prevading silence that can be listened to no matter where you are, just being receptive to it instead of worrying about other things (like what you may have to or not have to do at work, why the drive is taking so long, why there is a traffic jam.) The answers to those questions only bring about more questions that put you in memory or the past or the future (which both are just alterations of the present and aren’t necessary.) It’s not to say they must be stopped but that you don’t have to pay much attention to them, they’ll happen regardless, and let them, but staying present is alot more beneficial even if you have to do what is referred to as riding the breath. Paying attention to the breath in, the gap, breath out, the gap.
“Life is a pain in the ass. This is why I’m always on this quest for spiritual growth and enlightenment. ”
Who is the one who is seeking the growth or enlightenment, why seek something you have always been. All that needs to be done is to see right? So who is the one seeing through those beautiful eyes?
If the spiritual pull feels uncontrollable, i would just plunge right into it, if it already has a hold of you, why resist it, chances are you are right on the edge of something but because you don’t know what to expect, its hard to just let go…
On the job front though, whether you release your job or stick with your job, will not change the outcome of your spirituality, atleast in what i’ve seen, you could move up to the himalayas but you would still have the same problems, because they still reside within you, not externally at all, which is what i think lune is saying in here post above. All the external is trying to present to you is to tell you to pay attention to the resistance and so that you might question, “why am i resisting in the first place, where is the resistance coming from?”
Anyway, Thank you for having this blog and thank you for allowing me to participate haha… Best of luck to you missy!
-Nick
LiberatedSelf´s last blog ..Precious Presence : Being in the Moment
Hi Nick, thanks for the comment.
I think I know what you mean by this pervading silence that is always there. Sometimes I just try to fall into that while doing day to day stuff. I’m still trying to figure out the best practice for me though. There are the lessons in A Course in Miracles, the Awareness Watching Awareness meditation, simply being present with the pervading silence, and whatnot. I want to do more with this spiritual pull but I’m still learning what’s out there regarding nondualism so I’ll eventually figure it out.
Yeah, you are so right about the job situation. Problems stick with you no matter what and I should know that by now! It can get tricky though to know the difference between resistance and actually needing to leave a situation. However, in just the past couple days I have felt myself quite literally detaching from my current job. I just don’t care about it anymore. Not in a negative way really, but in a “there’s nothing left for me here” kind of way. I know this feeling from past life experiences and can tell it will be time for something new soon.
Hey Christine, and thank you for the reply back.
I definitely understand where you’re coming from on finding the method that best suites you. I think we are all trying to some way that best resonates with who we actually are naturally.. and for some people a certain method might work (for the time being before who you are is realized) and for others it might not. Just for me awareness and following silence seems to work, has worked and resonates best with well… whoever it is, is truly operating this body hehe.
I agree, those feelings can be tricky, but the resistances usually feel like you have a reason to defend yourself against something, but defend against what? Often times those resistances aren’t very logical, they just give a feeling of resistance because they feel that their grasp is slipping (I’m speaking of the egos grasp on a particular belief, or identity.) However if the pull just feels like maybe i should leave my job because i know if i do that i will grow tremendously through the next experience and the next job, I definitely think you should go through with it. Remember that just because its safe in a job does not mean that growth is happening for the human being. In either situation, the job that is currently there is not your master, so there is no use to being afraid or not afraid as to whether you’ll maintain, because it will work out, maybe not as you might expect it to, but it will.
You are You and you will be able to deal with the decision.
-Nick
liberatedself´s last blog ..Story: Pray For a Contented Mind
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