Flying Solo

Next week I’ll be moving into my new one bedroom apartment. I can’t afford the rent with the money I currently make, but I have a money market account and a couple fist fulls of stocks thanks to a distant relative I’ve never met before who died last year.

I’m dealing with the pain of leaving the ex for good. It feels empty.

I guess it’s not as painful now as when things first hit me last week, but it’s a little scary moving out on my own again. However I’ve learned from the past how to look at fear. Fear means I’m about to see something about myself that is bigger than who I am right now. Fear indicates a hidden strength about ourselves we don’t yet know of. I look forward to finding out what it is.

In the mean time I try to look forward to the positive things, such as:

• Being able to decorate the WHOLE ENTIRE APARTMENT the way I want. (Yes, this was an ongoing disagreement between the ex and me!)
• The commute to work will only be 10 minutes as opposed to 30-60 minutes.
• Being closer to DC and back in an eclectic city that I love. (For the past two years I’ve been living in what I consider boring suburbia.)
• Finding me again. Just as a relationship can be fulfilling, there is also something deeply fulfilling about fully experiencing one’s self without another’s “energy” melding into the mix. Learning how to feel complete without a partner is a great exercise. (Of course do any of us TRULY feel complete unless we’re completely enlightened?) Being alone also allows us the chance to intensely focus on areas for self improvement and can foster growth that otherwise would not occur because of the time and energy it takes to be in a relationship.
• Being able to see what it’s like to date with confidence. Before I met the ex I was extremely insecure about men and relationships. He helped heal me of that and now I am able to accept myself fully for who I am. I will finally know what it feels like to date without being afraid of rejection.
• No more dealing with the ongoing drama with the Unhappy Ex-Wife and all her ridiculousness! YAY!!!
• Being in a new environment that is conducive to meeting new people and having new experiences. Being closer to friends who live in the area, including my brother who will now live only a few miles away.
• I will always be able to call or visit the ex any time.

There are several things I plan to start doing as soon as I move to keep myself busy, one being getting back into some sort of spiritual “practice”. The nature of my job at the seminary makes it very easy to do this. Not because it’s a seminary and all spiritual and stuff, but because it’s so dang slow there! I’m used to working at jobs where I’ve got several projects going on at a time while answering the phone and dealing with people on a constant basis. Here? Let me tell you that there are literally HOURS of downtime at this place. It’s very, very calm.

So I plan to use this as an opportunity to practice my little spiritual exercises, most likely from the Course in Miracles workbook, but probably also from this and him, and a little bit of whatever else looks interesting that I come across. A Course in Miracles is a pain in the ass for many reasons, but I’ve always gotten very positive results from practicing it. Unfortunately the last time I tried practicing it diligently was at my last job and I got hit with so many projects and classes to teach that I just couldn’t do it. I ended up doing the exercises on my days off and eventually got so frustrated that I stopped doing it completely. So here’s to giving things another try…again.

Anyway, this Sunday is my Birthday. I’ll be 37, which is so weird because I don’t feel 37 at all. Isn’t that funny? Like we expect that a certain age is supposed to feel a certain way. What is older supposed to feel like anyway? Nothing. It’s all up to the individual to decide. The older I get the more free I feel, so maybe that’s what I should be expecting from now on. To keep feeling more care-free and more free to be who I am. I can’t think of a better gift than that.