Making the Choice for Enlightenment

Earlier this year I listened to the audio version of A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and I simply can not get enough of this information on how to relinquish the ego and be present. It has become obvious to me that complete surrender to the now is the only way to experience the freedom of spiritual awakening. That is what I want. More than anything right now.

Ultimately (ultimately?) my inner sense of peace seems to have come down to simply relinquishing the ego, yet I couldn’t have been prepared for that ten years ago, five years ago, or apparently even one year ago. The spiritual tools available to me then were perfect during those times. But perhaps this decision for conscious awakening could have happened sooner, if only I had discovered the right question to ask. I am still figuring out exactly what that question is.

For the past year or two I’ve had several unpleasant experiences that I consider to be reminders that my ego is too much in control of my emotions.

While there have been several reminders that have come and gone, there is a real biggie that has always been constant: My boyfriend’s very unhappy ex-wife. This is a tricky one. I need to be careful. Because it is difficult to point out the reasons why someone has hurt you without dipping into that same poison yourself. Writing negative things about her on this blog would literally end up being no different than the hurtful things she has done.

I think the safest rule of thumb is to write as if her children might discover my blog and read it, which is highly unlikely, but is probably the most gracious way of expressing myself without causing any type of damage. And this attitude of not writing what might potentially hurt her children, I will add, is something that even she as a published writer has not seemed to have taken into consideration. I am still mulling over how to write about a disturbing experience I had after discovering some things she wrote about her ex-husband (my boyfriend) while browsing a book store earlier this year. But that’s for some other time, if ever.

For now I will say that verbal abuse and petty vindictiveness is involved. I can never get over it, no matter how hard I try. It is like watching a loved one get spit on. And just when I think it can’t get worse, she does something to top what she has done before.

There is nothing I can do about it except change my reaction. Change my attitude. I can’t count on anything else changing except myself.

My Self.

I’m reading an amazing book called When Fear Falls Away. It is about a woman who goes through a sudden spiritual awakening after simply praying that she not be afraid anymore. I am so tired of being afraid of what my boyfriend’s ex-wife is doing, how she might be emotionally harming my loved one, how she might be warping the sensitive psyches of her children, or even how she might one day decide to attack me. I want to not be angry anymore. I want to not be afraid.

But it’s not just about her. There are other life situations that have been threatening my peace as well: the breakup with said boyfriend, the extreme difficulty of finding a new job, friendships that I have lost over the past few years, and so on. But she just happens to be my main reminder. The only solution I see in handling these life situations is finding a constant and reliable source of inner peace. That’s it.

So, I’m not exactly sure how I will be doing this. I’ve been listening to Eckhart during my 40-minute commutes to and from work, which has been a life saver these past few months, and I’ve just purchased two books, The Book of Secrets and Take Me To Truth: Undoing the Ego.

I also try to maintain a sense of presence at least once a day, usually by focusing on my breath, and I remember to keep my ego “small” when something gets a rise out of me, as suggested by Eckhart. And I will probably create a Recipe for Enlightenment To-Do List. Sounds delicious, doesn’t it? I really need these to-do lists or I forget!

So in sum, this is how and why I am making the choice for enlightenment.

Wish me luck.