Blogging Identity Crisis: Part 2 (Or how I learned not to give a shit.)

Oh yeah. I said I would have a part two to my blogging identity crisis, didn’t I?

Actually, there is no “crisis”.

Things have changed since I wrote that last post three weeks ago. When you choose to make inner peace your first priority, being successful at anything else does not matter. Not your career, not your status on the social or economic ladder, not even your life goals. So certainly trivial matters such as a blogging will be low on the totem pole as well.

So what am I doing with this blog then? I don’t know. Whatever strikes my fancy at each individual moment I suppose. The difference now is that I’m no longer trying to accomplish anything with it. This whole deal about trying anything in life is so draining anyway.

As Yoda said: “Do or do not… there is no try.”

If I’m going to do anything, it will be inspired by something bigger than me and come from the knowing that it is fulfilling a larger purpose. And by “larger purpose”, I mean my writing won’t be done in an attempt to get anything special, like the satisfaction of saving the world, or recognition, or money. If those things are to happen I’d rather they be a natural manifestation from inspired writing. In other words, I will not be doing anything to fulfill the so-called needs of my futile ego.

I was in a completely different place than I am in now when I started this blog. I was depressed actually. I was fresh out of grad school and unable to find a new job. I needed a purpose, and creating a blog to save the world was my way of fulfilling that purpose.

Little did I realize that so many people had the same exact idea and that a plethora of personal development blogs existed. I was inspired by Steve Pavlina to create my dream job of writing what I loved, and apparently so were about a billion other people. I felt lost in a gigantic sea of generic self help blogs. I didn’t know what voice to have. In addition to this, most of what I wrote seemed dry and detached. I had the information but couldn’t convey it with any feeling. I wanted so desperately to help people but never felt like I was tuning into the right channel in order to do it.

So now what? I just want to be myself, document my experiences, and write about what speaks to me. I want to convey truth in the form of what really speaks to people. I’m talking about soul truth here, not necessarily what I consider to be spiritual truth, or what is supposedly right or wrong. And I want to do all this with the utmost sincerity, openness, and honesty.

Since my own spiritual growth is the number one priority now, I no longer feel the urge to fix the world. I don’t feel the almost desperate need to help others like I used to. I’ve realized that, no matter how much you try to entice people, they will not change unless they really want to change in the first place. When one is in a state of being truly helpful, others will automatically be drawn to that helpfulness. It does not work the other way around. In fact, I realize now that I’ve probably pushed people away more than helped them in my attempts to be a bringer of the light. When that light shines strong enough, it will naturally become a beacon for those who wish to learn from it.

It’s been about 9 months since I started this blog, and now it’s time for the cheesy part of the entry when I say that my blog is like a fetus in gestation and that I am finally going to birth something new. I’m finally starting to relax and enjoy the ride, and there’s really nothing more I have to say about that.