OK, so here’s the dealio.
The ex and I both decided several months ago to try having an open relationship in order to repair a faltering relationship. The idea behind this was to generate more independence, and therefore LESS expectations from each other, because we both discovered that we were actually happier as a couple the LESS we depended on each other for stuff. It had nothing to do with wanting to have sex with tons of different people. It had to do with freedom.
Now, this was more his idea than mine, but I’m an extremely open minded person so I thought I’d give it a shot. Except that while he went on dates with other women, I had no interest in dating other men at all. In fact, I wasn’t even thinking about polyamory or open relationships. This should have been a huge sign that I wasn’t ready for polyamory at all. Well, long story short, this is why we broke up, because polyamory was something he felt strongly about and I couldn’t deal with it. And believe me, I’m not going to try to make someone change for me. If he wanted to be polyamorous then fine, because I wasn’t completely happy with the relationship anyway and why was I going to stick around trying to fix something that wasn’t working.
So we broke up a couple months ago and lived our lives together in the same house because I’m fricken broke and can’t afford to up and leave just like that. I make $17 an hour by the way. And I work part time. The average price of rent for a one bedroom in this area is a little over $1000 a month. You can do the math.
By the way, this just proves that the amount of education you have doesn’t guarantee squat about what you’ll make.
Especially when you graduate in the middle of a recession. This is part of the reason why I was FREAKING OUT about the job and living situation.
So anyway, we broke up and I was generally doing OK about it, except for this other poly woman he started dating long-distance. Hearing him on the phone with her and knowing that they eventually, uh…became physical…that just drove me crazy.
Well on night of New Year’s Eve something so crazy happened that I couldn’t have ever imagined it possible. I started warming up to the ex and by the end of New Years Day we were hanging out just like we used to, and I didn’t care about him seeing this other woman at all. I asked all kinds of questions about her, to the most intimate detail, and I was fine with hearing all about her and him and cathching up on what they’d been up to. And my ex and I are still hanging out, talking, going out to dinner and the movies and what have you. And, Hello! TMI moment, but our sex life is better now than it’s been in the past year.
I don’t know if I’m being polyamorous or just in a noncommitted relationship with someone I love. I still consider us broken up and I don’t think I see myself being polyamorous long-term. In fact, why define this at all? I’m OK with what’s going on now. And when I need things to change then I’ll deal with it. One thing I do know, is that life sure has a way of proving me wrong about things. I NEVER thought I’d ever see myself in this kind of arrangement.
I never thought I’d be in love with a republican* or tolerate living in an upscale neighborhood and being surrounded by rich people either. I grew up poor and thought all those things were evil and if I had my own choice I would have never gotten myself involved with them! But thank God life knows what’s good for me. It’s opened my mind in ways I never knew possible. And that’s why I can trust what’s going on in my life right now, even if it’s weird. I know life won’t steer me wrong, because whatever’s coming will be good for me. It always is. Even the painful experiences have been good in exposing what needs to be worked on. That’s how I see pain, those raw areas of ourselves that need healing and growth. Feel it, and then work on it.
There have been some painful moments in this polyamory experiment, and every single time it comes up, it has to do with old insecurities I’ve always had with dating and men. This includes feeling insecure and like I’m not good enough. To tell you the truth, the relationship I had with my ex healed me of these erroneous thoughts. I now accept myself, when before I couldn’t. I can now be open and vulnerable, when before it was impossible. I trust someone now like I never trusted before, because he is that good of a person.
And this situation is like an opportunity to even further refine those areas that need healing. If something comes up about the other woman that makes me feel bad, which really doesn’t happen now, I take a strong look at what it is. Often, I recognize them as feelings from the past. And I don’t do anything special with those feelings. I just feel them and then they eventually go away on their own. And then it’s done.
This is not a situation that everyone can understand. That’s OK. I have friends that are freaking out, but they don’t have to. I’m not freaking out.
I’m hoping I don’t offend any readers by posting this. But whatever. This is my life. All the raw gritty details of it. And it’s been an interesting life, that’s for sure!
*I used to have really strong feelings against republicans. Now I really don’t give a crap (that much) about politics. It’s all part of that letting go and being more care free thing. There’s no need to care about anything, really.
Edit: He didn’t like that I called him a republican and says he doesn’t identify as one anymore. lol