Metaphysical Junkie

The best thing you can do for humanity is to find the light inside yourself and then shine it onto others.

Doing the best you can for yourself. Feeling great about yourself. Being happy.

Yes. That’s it.

Because if peace and well-being are all that really matters, then what better way to teach it than by BEING peace and well-being?

This means:

BEING GOOD TO YOURSELF.

TAKING CARE OF BOTH YOUR PHYSICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL NEEDS.

HAVING A POSITIVE ATTITUDE. (Focusing on the positive and expecting the best for yourself.)

SURROUNDING YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE. (Who ALSO focus on the positive.)

KNOWING WHAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT IN LIFE. (Love, people and experiences; not career, money and things.)

KNOWING THAT YOU ARE AWESOME AND THEN SHINING THAT AWESOMENESS ONTO OTHERS.

And then believing and knowing that you can actually do this. Yes, it is possible. I know this, because that is the purpose of life. We’re all here to heal each other, you know.

That’s it.

There is one complaint I get from my girlfriends that frustrates me more than anything else, and it is this continuous pining for a husband and kids.

I know, I KNOW, years ago I was there myself. (Well, not really for the marriage and kids so much, but for a decent relationship in general.) So why do I seem impatient about this topic? It’s not because I’m particularly annoyed by my friends complaints, but because I see them making themselves needlessly miserable.

I try to tell these friends to simply have fun and make themselves happy and to not think so much about marriage, kids and happily-ever-after relationships, things that are never guaranteed in life anyway. I want them to stop obsessing about these things that they DON’T have and focus on the things in life they DO have and the experiences they can CREATE for themselves. Because by focusing so much on this future possibility they are taking away from the present moment. By focusing so much on what you don’t have RIGHT NOW, you drain yourself of creating new possibilities in life RIGHT NOW.

The key is to be good to yourself. Treat yourself like a rock star. Wanna feel love? Confidently shine your love onto others: friends, strangers, homeless people, co-workers, etc., as if you really don’t give a rat’s ass if they shine that love back to you or not. 99.9999% of the time that love will come right back to you anyway. Don’t wait for a special person to make you feel special. You ARE that special person with the ability to make OTHERS feel special, and when you make that connection it feels like pure joy.

Feel the freedom to do anything you want in life, and then do it. Listen to life and go where it’s whispers tell you to go. Watch for the opportunities in front of you, the tugs at your heart telling you to GO! Create yourself, reinvent yourself. Realize that the important things in life aren’t career or where you’re going, but people, experiences and simple happiness. Do what makes you happy in this very moment, not what you think will make you happy in the future.

Allow yourself to feel sexy. Flirt. Be open and vulnerable. Be desirable. HAVE FUN!

Stop worrying about how the other person doesn’t match your every need and expectation. I can’t think of any other way to ruin a potentially good time than by doing that! Just be the rock star you are and have fun with this person regardless. You can potentially have an interaction of pure awesomeness with practically any person you meet, but it won’t happen if you’re bogging the experience down with negative thinking. Just be open and have fun.

Keep doing this and you’ll start to feel so good that people will naturally gravitate towards you like crazy. You’ll be having so much fun that it will practically supersede any feelings of loneliness or despondency. Yeah, maybe those feelings will still be around, but at least they won’t be dominating how you feel anymore. Most importantly, those negative feelings of wanting, needing, won’t be dominating who you ARE any longer, because you have redefined yourself as a vibrant, fun and confident individual who doesn’t need a relationship, marriage or kids to be complete. And guys LOVE that.

This is a pic of me waiting for a date. I suppose I’m doing a series of self pics now. Something different. First hiding myself, then exposing myself. Fun games.

And, why yes, I do feel sexy as all hell thanks for asking.

Women, don’t wait for a man to make you feel special. It ain’t gonna happen because you’ve gotta feel it inside yourself first.

I’ve seen this too much from needy friends, unhappy ex-wives, and especially from myself. Please! It’s OK to shine. But who am I to tell you all this? I’m just experiencing all this as a single person for the first time myself.

And now time for Amanda Palmer. I loooooovveee her and her crazy eyebrows.

I am fascinated by her down-turned mouth. She’s like a beautiful Dr. Frank-N-Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I wish I could pull off her hair style but my hair is too thick and wavy. And I love how she sings with that alto voice without apology.

Here I am with my cheeks puffed out.

I never realized I had a pouty lower lip until I met my long lost half-sister three years ago. When I first met her I kept looking at her facial features, trying to figure out how we looked alike. I think I mentioned something to her about how our lower mouths were “puffy below our lips.” She said, “That’s a sexy pout!” And then she puckered her lips. Because she knows how to work it like that.

I found out how my sister was conceived the last time I visited with her. She discovered this disturbing information in the late 90s after a judge allowed her to open her adoption papers. When she revealed all this to me, it was the middle of the night and we were “imbibing”, you might say, so I was already out of it. My beautiful half-sister told me something that happened to my mother when she was in high school that’s so fucked up, and I almost didn’t understand at first, and then my sister burst into tears. I think I was in shock, because I couldn’t think of anything to tell her. Not one word. Until finally, the only consoling truth I could find: “It doesn’t matter.”

“Do you really think so?”, she asked.

I said, “Yes.” And that was the end of that conversation.

And then I thought about my mother and how awful her life has been, filled with abuse and mental illness. It’s the saddest thing I can think of, my mother’s life. So sad, in fact, that I’m glad I don’t feel that connected to her because the pain would be too much.

Life is so fucked up. Life is so beautiful.

As much pain there has been, there’s been just as much beauty and good. It all comes with the territory. What are you gonna do? Might as well have fun while we’re here. Love and be loved as much as we can. That’s all that matters.

Well, most likely you aren’t reading this post because I deleted my feed. It was still showing past entries that I had written!

Gah! God, why am I so TMI? Anything that I don’t want revealed on a first date just shouldn’t be written down, right? I love it and hate it at the same time. I absolutely LOVE other people’s baggage and inner thoughts and general weirdness. But god, to put my own down in a blog for everyone to read, it’s like ripping my chest wide open. And I don’t want future lovers, co-workers, even family members, peering down into this raw and bleeding cavity.

I ranted about this issue to The Ex earlier today. He said he liked the TMI, that it probably makes people feel at ease. That in his opinion, there was no ‘T’ in the first place. Really?

Maybe one day I won’t care. I don’t want to care. What the hell am I writing anyway? And why? I have no idea.

It seems that over the past few years I’ve developed this vague sense, or intuition, about what my future will entail. I don’t claim to be psychic, but perhaps I’m somehow in tune with something. Or maybe I’m unconsciously applying the Law of Attraction. Or maybe a combination of both. Who knows.

I distinctly remember a conversation I had with The Ex around the time we were breaking up. I said that I had a strong feeling that f I stayed with him, I would be missing out on a huge opportunity for growth. And I just remember feeling like it was something REALLY HUGE. Boy was I right about that! The whole going to Burning Man, painting again, changing my life priorities and refocusing on what is important is all part of that. All the experiences I’ve been having, the people I’ve been meeting. It’s incredible.

And ever since I moved out on my own this past winter I keep getting this sense that I wouldn’t have my next serious relationship until the fall. We’ll see what happens with that. I went to a psychic a little over a year ago. She said The Ex and I would break up and that I would end up meeting someone who is “very confident”, perhaps through work. I didn’t take the psychic too seriously when she said that, but isn’t it fun to write this down now and see what ends up happening? In the meantime I’m figuring out what I want…out of life, out of a man and out of a relationship in general. I’ve recently been introduced to David Deida and have been reading his books on relationships and realizing how a lot of what he says applies to me. So as frustrating as being single is, perhaps this time of reflection is necessary before I meet this person.

What else?

Certain things I’m afraid to say out loud but still have strong thoughts about. Such as, I also think that I’ll eventually be a life coach. But that probably won’t happen for another few years so there’s no point in thinking too much about that now.

Here is another thing that is kind of related to all this. I knew when my father was going to die.

He had been fighting cancer for about a year. The night before his death, he asked me to get some things for him at the grocery store: prescriptions, paper towels and mini sausages for breakfast the next day. As I bought these things, a strong feeling…not even a feeling really, but a calm, matter of fact knowing in the back of my head told me these things weren’t needed. There was a knowing that my dad wouldn’t be around the next day. But since I couldn’t explain the logic of that thought I just brushed it off.

I went home, made my dad dinner and then went to bed. I was sleeping when my dad called out for me in the middle of the night to help him stand up so he could use the commode. After I finished helping him I distinctly remember thinking to myself that See, dad is still here! That thought of him dying was all just my imagination. The next morning, I awoke and went into the next room to check on him. And so it happened that I was the one who discovered my dad had passed away sometime that morning.

But that was a story about someone else. I guess the point is that I recognize that knowing and try to pay attention to it whenever I can.

This knowing guides me in life. It not only tells me what is coming up in the future, but also what I need to be doing now in order to get there. What is this? I don’t know what to call it but it is always there.