Metaphysical Junkie

Well, finally, after a 2 week delay because of the blizzard, I moved into my new place last Saturday. It’s strange living alone again, which I haven’t done since 2006. Living alone has its advantages but I really prefer the daily company of others. It feels strangely, almost painfully, empty and quiet. I’m learning to fill the space with me-ness, figuring out what to do with the time, which I plan to fill with music, guitar playing, reading, studying nonduality/spiritual texts and writing. I have no television or internet at my new place. I never watched that much tv anyway, and the internet is: 1) too expensive and 2) has become too much of a time waster in my life.

Friends are also obviously a top priority for me right now. My god, I have so much appreciation for them at this time in my life.

Also:
Part 1 of Self Induced Hypomania OR a Taste of Enlightenment?
Part 2 of Self Induced Hypomania OR a Taste of Enlightenment?

Someone Out There Like Me?

So like I said in Part 2, I was astonished that I created this blissful state within myself and was curious to see if this was a common occurrence . Were people causing self induced bliss all the time and I just didn’t know it? Is it recognized among psychologists? Spiritual folks? (I once saw an episode of HBO’s Real Sex that documented clown sex orgies–at one point a lady in full clown gear became sensual with a cake. CLEARLY if something as weird as that is known in certain communities, then self induced bliss should be too, right? )

Anyway, so I did some google searching and discovered this article on accelerated state conditioning. It was written by a man named Neal Engelkin who induced euphoric states in himself by verbally stating positive statements while smiling and taking turns from looking into a mirror to looking at pictures of other smiling people, usually clipped from newspapers and magazines. He also has his own website which you can check out at www.acceleratedstateconditioning.com.

I never tried Neal’s technique. In fact, except for a few half-assed attempts, I never really attempted to put myself in a state of bliss again, and I’ll tell you why.

The Downside of Living in Bliss

First, let me detail more of what I experienced during the peak of this state. I would wake up in the morning, and the very first thing I would notice was how great I felt! Before I even opened my eyes I would experience this bliss, and then after opening my eyes I would just relish in that bliss for a few minutes. In fact, I could have literally sat at home doing nothing at all and be completely content, just feeling the bliss washing all over me. And sometimes I did just that!

As for my actions, I felt like everything I said or did was exactly right and perfect. I had no question whatsoever about any decision or action I made. As a former social phobic who was used to second guessing and criticizing almost everything I did, this is the complete opposite of how I felt most of my life. This new sense of self assurance made me feel like a different person, but a very STRONG person. I wonder if this is how someone like Donald Trump feels on a NORMAL day.

Physically I was extremely relaxed. I particularly remember how my back felt, and how it almost seemed like a very soft blanket was permanently affixed to my back. This “soft blanket back” feeling was actually one of the first symptoms leading up the my episode of hypomania.

I was always content. That’s the word that kept coming to me when I mentally tried to define this state: an extreme level of contentment. Things were also more intense. More funny, more interesting, more lively. And me, the shy one who grew up with social anxiety, I was talking up a storm. I was actually witty and bantery and fearlessly chatty with the boys! But the latter leads me another point I want to make. I still had my issues!

At the time I had really bad issues with trusting men and intimate relationships. I was trying to meet new people and went to a lot of parties that winter, and I remember during this one particular party, I noticed that I no longer had any problem talking to guys but I still couldn’t emotionally connect with them. (Basically I would stop short at that “wanting to get to know you better” stage.) This is when I realized that this state, whatever it was, was not a panacea for my problems by any means. And thinking about it now, I realize that the more blissfully content we are with life, the less likely we are to improve ourselves and work on any issues we have. But, I don’t know, perhaps those issues would have come to the surface and worked themselves out had I started a relationship back then. Who knows.

NOW, for the negative side of being in this state.

By the start of the third week of this experience I started questioning some of my behaviors. For example, I stated earlier that I felt like everything I did was perfect and right. Well, I started noticing myself becoming quite arrogant with customers at work. I wasn’t rude or yelling or anything like that. I was just telling them like it was with this idea of me being right and perfect, and them being completely wrong. End of story. I wasn’t trying to be an jerk, but this is how I felt I was coming across. This actually started to scare me a little. Suddenly I felt like I was becoming too powerful.

The second problem was that I was so content and blissful doing nothing that I had no motivation to pursue any goals or do anything with my life. I was in my second semester of studying for my Masters at the time, which I initially started because I wanted better job security and to make more money. But during this state I saw no point in going to school, making more money or improving my life in any other way. I was already happier than I ever imagined, so what was the point in doing anything else? In the mean time, I had upcoming assignments and papers due. I was afraid that if I tried to do my assignments while in this state that I would slack off and fail. It’s not that I wouldn’t have done them, but for some reason I felt like I needed that extra stress in order to make sure the assignments were completed in time.

Eventually, soon after realizing the shortcomings of my euphoric state, the bliss began to die off. Slowly. Then one day I realized that yes I was still happy, but that euphoria, that soft blanket feeling, that blissful morning awakening, it was all gone. I didn’t go into a depression as someone with bipolar disease typically would, but instead felt remnants of my experience for weeks to come. Once in a while I’d “catch” a feeling of it that bliss, and every so often I still do. I believe that feeling lives in all of us but is hidden by our shadows. It’s like catching a firefly in complete darkness. You might see it flash and try to grasp it, but upon opening your hand you realize it’s no longer there. I’ve never been able to duplicate another episode of self induced hypomania, or whatever it is, again. Maybe I’ve purposely not tried hard enough, because part of me is still afraid of what it is. Because it isn’t the “me” that I’m used to.

What Does This Say About Spiritual Practices and Exercises?

I’m still struggling to figure out the use of spiritual exercises. And after much reflection from writing these past three blogs, this is what I now believe (for now): I believe spiritual practice will lead to the byproducts of enlightenment, but not necessarily to the ultimate awareness that “enlightened” people speak of. Maybe it’s kind of like faking it till you make it. You just do what you can do to make the most of life until that moment actually arrives.

Right now I am interested in The Abandon Release Method from The Most Rapid and Direct Means to Eternal Bliss. This exercise basically entails letting go of all your thoughts, worries, expectations, etc as much as possible. I’ve done this on my own before discovering this book so it’s not all that new to me, but it is an exercise I enjoy immensely. I’m seeing how practicing this exercise diligently might lead to such a relaxed state that bliss would occur. Maybe the person who wrote this book is in a blissful state, but not necessarily enlightened!

Who knows? Who cares?

I think any spiritual exercise can lead to certain states and experiences, but doing them doesn’t guarantee enlightenment. However this doesn’t mean there isn’t value in doing spiritual exercises. They help me immensely with my anxiety and general coping with life situations and that’s all that matters to me.

Well, that’s the end of my story. If read all the way to the end then good for you! This was pretty long! lol

I would love to hear other people’s perspectives on spiritual practices and spiritual experiences. By inducing these spiritual experiences, are we just manipulating the mind into feeling good? Do these experiences have anything to do with awareness and enlightenment? Has anybody had this type of blissful or euphoric experience before from using affirmations, visualizations, mantras, etc? Just wondering, because I know it can’t just be me!

Continuing from my discussion of “self induced hypomania”, the following is the next blog post I wrote while going through the experience.

March 3rd, 2007
Killing myself never felt so good
I killed my self. I remember exactly what it felt like too, and it felt so damn good. If I had to, I’d do it again in an instant.
This is what happens when you learn super ninja mind tricks on your self. You figure out what you don’t like, what makes you unhappy, what would make you happier, and then you do it. I am convinced that the secret to life and happiness is all in your mind.

There is really a compilation of things that led to this point: realizing that I was constantly allowing myself be a victim in almost every single aspect of my life; realizing that I was not really open to having a meaningful relationship before (although I was very open to being needy) and that, yes, I really do want to have a family [Edit: At the time, after spending most of my adult life very closed to the idea, I started opening up to marriage and having my own family]; realizing that I was used to living with this undertone of “blah” and that I was sick of the “blah”…sick enough of it that I wanted it destroyed and replaced with what I imagined would be much better.

So using my super ninja mind tricks, I did a LOT of thinking and imagining and visualizing of what I really wanted. First, I became open to being in an actual relationship by imagining what an ideal relationship would be for me. Before, I was really closed to the idea because I couldn’t imagine that a healthy, ideal relationship could actually come true for me. And I highly suspect that this is why I always freaked out when I started dating anybody. So I imagined that this possibility DOES exist and that I DO deserve it. Sometimes I wrote down lists of reasons why at night before bed to help make the convincing more tangible. Now, there are a certain series of events that helped expedite the process of opening up and fully accepting what I really want as well. The details don’t matter. But if anybody cares to know how it’s done, you simply use your own life experiences to the fullest. Go out and DO the things that you think will help you get what you want. Then use your experiences and learn from them. Think about how these experiences effect you and why. Think about what YOU could change in your thinking or perception of life that would make things better. They say suffereing in life is optional, but it sure can be a good motivator to create change as well! Do you want to suffer or do you want to not suffer anymore? If not, then change something!

Now, I had already been working on the victim mentality from reading Complete Confidence. All this semester I’d been practicing the super ninja mind tricks by telling myself that it was ok. “Don’t panic!” If I started to become worried that my readings or assignments wouldn’t get done, I’d force myself not to worry about it and then convince myself that I was smart and resourceful enough to get it done. “Don’t worry. It isn’t necessary.” I practiced this with all aspects of my life, but it mostly applied to school. Now, I can’t even imagine being stressed out or worried about assignments!!! It’s so weird!!!

The third major super ninja mind trick I did was to kill myself. Yes, I killed myself. I learned in Complete Confidence that we grow up being taught to feel a certain way…your caregivers provided a certain atmoshpere of feeling, or energy, that was percieved as acceptable and normal. You grow up as an adult with this energy in the background but don’t realize this because it feels so natural. What then happens is we do things to make ourselves go back to this level of energy (or feeling) because that is what feels natural. It becomes a part of who we are. I grew up in a family of self-depricating and depressed adults. Guess what felt natural to me during my adult life??? The “blah” felt natural, that’s what. And so I ended up being a self-depricating and depressed adult as well. Anything different felt “weird” and wrong. About a week ago, I decided that I was tired of the self-depricating “blah” and that it brought me down. I isolated this feeling. THEN I created a NEW feeling and decided to incorporate this into myself. I wanted to feel free and fun and good. This felt incredibly false and fake to me. I imagined that this new feeling was a part of myself anyway, figuring it wouldn’t hurt to try as an experiment. (This is how I’ve learned super ninja mind tricks during the course of my life by the way…by experimenting with different feelings and behaviors on myself.) At the same time, I would SQUASH the “blah” every chance I got. If I felt intimidated by my boss at work, it was because of the “blah” and I’d SQUASH IT. If I was worried about meeting with someone, it was because of the “blah” and I’d SQUASH IT. Now, since the “blah” had been incorporated into my personality for so long, it literally felt like I was killing a part of myself. At first it was like repressing my “self”, but then eventually that “self” became smaller and smaller until there was little to repress any more. Sometimes it almost seemed like that “self” would still try to peek through and complain, but I ignored it. In place of the “self” I was squashing, I imagined my inner core as being incredibly strong, like steel. I imagined that this is who I was inside. Eventually the “blah” self disapeared entirely and I didn’t have to keep squashing it down. I used to be “blah”. I killed the “blah”. It really felt like I killed a part of myself. In place of the “blah” energy is now a “weee!” energy. I actually permanently raised my energy level! So cool! It’s like the feeling of being in a really good mood, but ALL THE TIME.

I spent the first few days after this happened feeling extremely euphoric. I even woke up in the mornings feeling like I was in absolute heaven. No drug or antidepressant or ANYTHING has ever made me feel this fantasic before. Each minute of every day felt like a miracle, and I was in amazement at the new “me”. It was even confusing since I was not used to feeling like this. Of course, I was completely used to feeling depressed and that would never have caused me to be confused. But feeling REALLY GOOD for NO DAMN REASON? I was afraid that the feeling would go away, so I kept being vigilant with the the visualization and thought processes. But now, a week later, I’ve leveled off from being euphoric to just feeling happy. And I’m pretty confidant that it’s not going away.

Some of the other effects:
• Feeling secure and confident in a way I’ve never experienced before. I can stand up to my boss without any problem whatsoever, whereas before I was always afraid of him.
• I like and WANT to be around people. In fact for the first few days I had an insatiable desire to be around people all the time. I had this need to “share the love.” The feeling is not insatiable anymore, but I still really like to be around people a lot more so than I used to.
• I talk very easily and confidently now. I dont’ have the problem of forgetting words as much as I used to. In fact, I can think so much more clearly now. It’s like my brain synapses are faster and better connected than before.
• I have more tolerance and compassion for people. The people I cared about before, I feel closer to. And the people that got on my nerves don’t stress me out anymore. I feel more understanding towards and have more paitence for people in general. People have become more special to me in general. Also, people are more attracted to me now…including people at work, at school, at parties. People want to be around me and talk to me more. And yes this includes more people of the opposite sex as well.
• I constantly feel at ease with myself and the world. I barely worry about ANYTHING anymore, where before I used to worry ALL THE TIME. (Kind of like what happened to that guy in Office Space when he got hypnotized.)

Anyway, I might end up cleaning this post up later. For now I just wanted to get all this down while I was still thinking about it. This past week had me questioning a lot of things, including therapy, spirituality, and what the secret to happiness really is. I’m hoping that this isn’t some sort of short-lived hypomania, and I really dont’ think it is. But I guess my brain is so used to the ups and downs of depression that its waiting for the other shoe to drop. However I don’t think that is going to happen. In fact, I can’t wait to live the rest of my life with my new self.

Needless to say, the experience didn’t last as I hoped it would. In fact, I think it’s impossible for anyone to maintain such an experience permanently, especially one as intense as this!

Anyway, at one point I decided to investigate this phenomenon a little further. To my surprise I actually found someone else on the internet who also created self-induced hypomanic experiences on a regular basis! He used a different technique than I did but the results seemed to be the same.

In my next post I’ll talk more about this discovery. I’ll also talk more about the details of my experience and will offer my own thoughts on how this might relate to spirituality and spiritual practices.

Exactly three years ago I had an amazing experience. I authored another blog at the time and shared my experiences there, and even though I deleted the blog a few months afterward I was smart enough to save these particular entries.

During a three week span back in February of 2007, I was in a euphoric episode of self induced hypomania. (You can view Wikipedia’s entry on hypomania but I lacked much of the negative aspects mentioned there, so it’s not like I fit their description to a tee.) Before this episode occurred I was still dealing with mild depression and low self esteem. I was also struggling with what I considered personality defects, fully convinced that there was something deeply and inherently wrong with me, and was in a constant battle with my own self acceptance. All this led to me wanting to change so badly that I ended up going to the extreme.

At the time the experience felt deeply spiritual, and I still believe that it was spiritual in many ways. My eyes were opened so to speak in ways I’d never experienced before. It was almost like I was a completely different person. Now looking back, I know that it would most likely have been medically diagnosed as hypomania. But in this case the hypomania was caused by a variety of visualizations and affirmations that I used together.

The key component in creating this experience was the elimination of fear. Not one iota of worry or doubt entered my mind. Let me tell you, the relinquishment of fear is THE GREATEST experience any human can have. I am fully convinced of this. I learned that when we get rid of fear we expose the core of our being and finally experience ourselves as how we are meant to be. It was a beautiful, almost overwhelming feeling. In fact, I had so little fear that I literally could have been hit by a bus and still be euphoric. I didn’t care or worry about ANYTHING.

Even though the experience itself was short-lived, there were lasting effects that stayed with me after the euphoria was gone. This is why I still consider it a spiritual experience. I learned that there were ways of experiencing life that were on a “higher level” than I was previously aware of at the time. After the euphoria died down, something “clicked” and certain things about me also changed. Mainly, I had became more self-accepting and confident in myself.

Here is the first inkling of the hypomania:

February 21st, 2007
True Spirituality
…is experiencing the sense of complete inner contentment, and having one of the most fantastic days of your life for no particular reason at all.

And then:

February 22nd, 2007
We Invent Ourselves
We invent ourselves on a daily basis. I am fully convinced that the basis of our personalities is manufactured. First and foremost, and sometimes entirely, by the environment of our upbringing, and secondly, by our own volition (think middle school).
This means….
you can explore foreign feelings, even if they feel too weird to be real, and then decide to make them your own. Raise your vibe a little even. Or a lot. That feeling of being “out of place” only lasts for so long. Get over it. Enjoy.
you can let go of those feelings that bring you down. Decide it doesn’t belong there anymore. And when it tries to pop itself up in the background of your thoughts, tell it to go back home. Or even better yet, that it doesn’t even exist in the first place. Poof!

Then finally the next day:

February 23rd, 2007
Enlighten Me
I’ve had this happen before. This feeling of WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! in my mind and throughout my entire body. And it is so powerful that it forces smiles out of me. It’s almost like feeling in love. Before, I used to question it. I am manic? Is this normal? What IS this? And then as my doubts grew, it would disappear.
This time I “get it”, what’s going on, but still don’t completely understand it. That is why I am going to start taking Buddhist meditation classes next week.

(By the way, I only went to one class. )

Thoughts on this? Does this seem like something spiritual, a taste of something, or purely manufactured? Do we find peace and contentment by eliminating fear and “destroying” our personalities?

In the next post, I’ll continue exploring this “self induced hypomania” by posting another blog entry I wrote during this experience.

Because CLEARLY there aren’t enough going around already, some pics of the 2010 DC Metro Blizzard round two:

The first blizzard wasn’t so bad; it was even a little exciting. The second was a real drag. On Wednesday, I avoided looking out the window too much because all I would see was this bleakness:

Out back the lake was actually freezing over! This never happens.

The next day was a lot better. I shoveled my driveway AGAIN and actually managed to find places to put all that snow. The sun was shining, the sky was a brilliant rich blue, and pavement could be seen again! Oh pavement. Sweet, sweet pavement!

Things started melting and evaporating and god that was such a great thing to see. This snow on the second floor deck might take a while to melt though. There is actually a lounge chair underneath all that:

Someone’s sports car with the side mirror peeking out:

Crazy ominous windswept icicles hung from the houses. Makes me think of Tim Burton:

And that is that.

Well, isn’t this fun? First we get a good 2 feet of snow dumped on us, and now they are calling for another 10 to 20 inches tomorrow.

Yesterday I went out at 8 o’clock in the morning to shovel out my driveway. There is so much snow piled up in our neighborhood of townhouses that one is hard-pressed to find a place to put it. There was already a hill of snow to the left of my drive from when the neighbors dug themselves out, and the ex’s drive was to my right. So I took that snow, one shovelful at a time, and walked across the plowed street and piled it up over there. Sometimes I would get gigantic clumps of wet snow that stuck together like a humongous snowball and I would just drag it with my shovel to the other side of the street. It took me 2 1/2 straight hours to complete.

Now I sit here, still sore from yesterday’s ordeal, and hear that we’re getting even more snow tomorrow, and I can’t even imagine how we can handle another 20 inches of snow at this point. The roads here are still a mess, as in you’re driving along and all the sudden there’s a big snow pile in front of you.

Oh well. I’m still thankful because at least we have power unlike so many others who haven’t had power for days. And thank god I made it to the library at the last minute Friday afternoon. Looks like I’m gonna be doing a LOT of reading over the next few days.

NOTE: This book has been claimed and is no longer available.

I will ship my used copy of this book FREE to anyone in the United States who is depressed and/or suicidal.

Check out the book here on Amazon.

I bought this book for a dollar from a used book store last year, not because I was depressed, but because I used to be depressed and was playing around with the idea of writing my own book on how I overcame depression and suicidal thoughts. I had heard of this book and just happened to run into it a few weeks later! So of course I snatched it up so I could check out what was inside. (I must have excellent book karma because that type of thing tends to happen to me a lot. )

Anyway, I know there are people out there who could use something like this. It’s a good book written by someone who also suffers from depression. If you want it, email me with your mailing address at: mail [at] metaphysicaljunkie [dot] com

Please be someone who is actually in need of something like this.

Also, thanks again to DC Blogs for the shout out and promoting the free book.